I thought I was just easy going you know.
I took pride in the fact that I was "low maintenance".
"Everybody loves me"...
So why was I not happy? Why was I ressentful towards my friends? My boyfriends at the time? I mean, being in a relationship with me couldn't be that difficult right since I was soooooooo easy to get along with...
WRONG!
I expected others to KNOW how to take care of me. If a relationship wasn't fulfilling my needs, the thought "they should know that about me by now" came often in my mind, and I instantly assumed that if they didn't know, well it was because they "didn't care!" Period.
I didn't know what I didn't know.
What I found out is pretending you don't have any needs does not make you easier to love or more likable. It can actually make it harder for others because they have no idea how to satisfy your needs. How could I expect others to take care of me if they don't know HOW?
Another level to this is that I often would not accept the help because I didn't want to feel like a burden - which is a post trauma response, but we're not going there in this blog post! Lol!
So...was I a People Pleaser?
YES!!!! A chronic one!!
A basic definition of People Pleasing is: when you create a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP - unconsciously - out of your traumas (note that there is little "t" traumas and big "T" traumas, but all trauma is trauma! It's your emotional response of the situation that counts)
Have you ever thought or said those words: "After all I've done for them"? That's the ressentment stepping all the way in right there!
Another clear indication of realizing I had the PP trait - whenever FEAR or GUILT was attached to me NOT doing something. I was scared of what the person/people would think, do or say about me if I didn't do that thing or agree to go to that place. Begining to be aware of my emotions as indicators for my behaviours was a major step into recovering from this toxic trait.
Please note that GOOD people pleasing exists: for exemple, I love to volunteer in different organizations. I know it pleases people. I like that fact...but I don't do it for that. I genuinely love helping people in need. And the way I tested to see if my motives were aligned was simple: when a organization would request my time at a moment I couldn't or didn't feel like offering, I was now able to simply say "no"! Before I would've probably come up with an excuse, straight up lied, or bent my back over to go at the detriment of myself. Because what I really wanted didn't matter as long as I could please someone.
Although a result of trauma, when use with the right motivation and in the good direction, people pleasers are one of the kindest people ever! No bias! Lol!
If you recognized yourself in my story, let me leave you with one tip to start your transitioning process from being a people pleasing. Whenever someone would ask you to do something and you're on the verge to say "YES", ask yourself this question:
WHAT IS MY MOTIVE?
I'm also sharing 3 books recommendations that I believe will help you understand yourself more thus why you may be reproducing certain patterns in your relationships
That's it for now! Don't be shy to comment down below if this was helpful and/or whatever questions you may have. I'll probably edit this blog later on this week to include the LIVE conversation I will have on the subject on July 26th 2022.
I'm leaving you with this quote from the great teacher Brene Brown:
"CHOOSE DISCOMFORT OVER RESSENTMENT!!"
Don't say "yes" when you mean "no" and then regret it later. Choose to be uncomfortable for a moment rather than ressentment forever.